What the Hell is This?
by Sora Ryuuzaki
Summary: When Kanda makes a verbal jab at Allen for being too nice, Allen takes on an informal challenge—to be a bad boy for a day. What do you know? He does a pretty good job, and it looks like Kanda can’t handle it.


What the Hell is This?

Summary: When Kanda makes a verbal jab at Allen for being too nice, Allen takes on a challenge—to be a bad boy for a day. And it looks like Kanda can't handle it.

Warnings: SCARY ALLEN! xD Crack-ish idea, yes, but I rather like it. Furious Kanda, and a bit of Allen trying to take a bit of dominancy in the Yullen relationship. Don't worry, though—still purely Yullen. Not AreKan. That's just stupid. BOO AREKAN. KANDA IS ALWAYS SEME.

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The streets roared with the deafening sounds of a busy day at work. Trucks honked, cars beeped, and angry, old Asian men in car crashes stuck their heads out their windows and hollered insults at other drivers with raging fists as the police wrote them up for several reasons—speeding probably being the first.

Had he been in a car, Kanda would have been one of those old Asian men. Unfortunately, he was in a restaurant. On a date.

Lavi would have laughed. "Yuu-kun is actually on a date with his bean sprout? Normally, he just rapes him!"

Kanda's fingers itched to strangle his neck, even though he hadn't seen the damn redhead for almost a week; hadn't seen him since before spring break because he was on a vacation with his girlfriend Lenalee. Nevertheless, even Lavi and his cheese-grater voice were no match for the irritation set before him now.

His eyebrow twitched as Allen leafed through his wallet for change. The smaller teen hummed cheerfully as his nimble fingers separated dollar bills, occasionally throwing out a couple of $1 bills. It was not before long that Allen had tipped well past the 15% mark. He sighed, blowing his bangs away from his eyes.

"Hey, bean sprout. Why are you giving them so much tip?" He gave the pile of bills a disdainful look. "I wouldn't have given them a single cent."

Silver-blue eyes smiled up at him. "Well, they were so nice; why wouldn't you give them some extra money? I mean, they had enough sense to put us in the back where you wouldn't rip anyone's throat out. After the waitress spilled the water on you, of course," he added as an afterthought.

Kanda gave an indignant "che" as he inconspicuously felt the bottom of his ponytail. It was still wet. The server had tripped on her way to their table. The pitcher of water she had been carrying had found its way onto Kanda's head. "And yet you question why I refuse to tip people. That waitress was a klutz."

Allen pouted. "That's mean, BaKanda; they work here at minimum wage. Stop being such an asshole and be nice."

"Che. I'll be nice as soon as you become a 'bad boy'," Kanda scoffed, rolling his eyes. "As if that'd happen," he added in a quieter tone.

"I can too be a bad boy!" Allen defended angrily.

The Japanese scoffed again. "As if. If you were a bad boy for a day, then the world would come to its damn end. Come on, let's go."

Allen fell silent as his company stood up and excused himself from the table. "Actually, Kanda…" he began thoughtfully, stopping his boyfriend. "I just remembered that I have to do something. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

He raised a curious eyebrow, but said nothing. At length, he sighed. "All right, then. Go home," he said gruffly.

As Allen slipped by him, Kanda thought he heard him say, "I'll show you."

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"Yuu-chan!"

From the middle of the schoolyard, Kanda closed his eyes and counted to ten. With a sigh, he turned around to face the only person to whom that voice could belong.

"Yuu-chan, how was your spring break?" Lavi chirped, his face in a bright smile. "Did'ya miss me?" Not pausing for a response—because Kanda wouldn't give one anyway—he continued. "Or did you just rape your bean sprout all week?"

With a quick swipe, Kanda caught the back of Lavi's head with his schoolbag. "Shut up, stupid rabbit. You have no right to call me by my first name."

As Lavi opened his mouth to speak again, a shriek echoed across the school courtyard.

"ALLEN?!"

Kanda's head quickly jerked up at the name of his boyfriend. Lavi peered curiously around as well.

Tilting his head slightly, he added worriedly, "That sounded like Lenalee. I wonder what happened…"

As the two strode over to Lenalee, Allen was no longer there, but the girl's face was frozen in horror. She babbled incoherently for a few moments as Lavi snapped in front of her face. He waved and snapped, but she didn't respond until Kanda slapped her back. Even still, she was in a daze.

"L-Lavi…? Oh, God; Lavi, I just had the worst nightmare," she stuttered, latching onto her boyfriend's shirt. "Allen… Allen was…"

Eyebrows furrowed, Kanda pressed, "That bean sprout was…?"

Her face darkened, her hands twitching before her as she stared into upturned palms. "He… he was so… not Allen."

He rolled his eyes. "Is that it? He wasn't acting like himself? He probably just didn't eat last night after lunch; he said he had to do something."

"No, Kanda, you don't understand," Lenalee gasped as Lavi sympathetically patted her back. "He… he was emitting this evil aura, and it was so… so not Allen. It was something I'd expect from you."

Kanda raised a speculative eyebrow. Could he possibly have…? No, he amended. The bean sprout wouldn't be able to pull off something like that. But Lenalee… she doesn't lie. God, that girl was so surprisingly moral that it made Kanda gag at times. But if she was lying, she was doing one hell of a job.

With a sigh, he said, "I'm going to find that bean sprout. Are you sure he's not just hungry, Lenalee?"

She nodded meekly as she huddled into Lavi's chest. "I'm sure. Good luck, Kanda, and don't get killed by Allen."

"Che. As if that bean sprout could hurt a fly," he muttered as he turned to leave.

"Wait, Yuu-chan…!"

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After a few rabbit-related detours, Kanda finally made it to his destination.

The door to Allen's first-period room was wide open—it was ten minutes until the bell rang, so that was mildly unusual—and as far as he could tell, the only person in it was Allen. As Kanda strode in, the teacher slipped out while hyperventilating into his odd, paisley bow tie. He paid no mind—that teacher was infamous for being strange. But when he stepped in, he froze.

Kanda's first thoughts were, _what the hell…? That's not the bean sprout._

The kid sitting at the desk was wearing leather—Allen hated leather; it was made from the skin of cows and hated the feeling of wearing cows—lip piercings—Allen thought those were detestable—and—Kanda nearly threw up at the sight of this—a girl in slutty, revealing clothes was sitting on his lap. They were making out.

But on closer speculation, only one person had that odd scar on his left eye. Only one person had snow-white hair.

Kanda all but tore the room apart as he stormed in and forced the two apart. The girl pouted, but after the look that Allen gave her, grudgingly slipped out of the room.

For a moment, furious, stormy, cobalt-blue eyes glared into cool, nonchalant, silver eyes. Then, Allen smirked and patted his lap. The words that came out of that sweet mouth made Kanda want to kick him out the door.

"Hmm. Do you want some too, Yuu?"

He grimaced. "Hell no. Who are you, and what the fuck have you done with the bean sprout?"

"Bean sprout?" Allen asked coolly, gazing at his nail beds. "I don't know a bean sprout, but I do know a stupid Kanda." His eyes traveled up to Kanda's face with a smirk.

"Che. You know who I'm talking about."

Feigning innocence, Allen pressed a hand to his chest and pretended to gasp. "Oh, me? Oh, no; I'm not a bean sprout."

Kanda's irritation level was quickly rising. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take, or which one irritated him more—the fact that he was making out with some slut, or the fact that he was actually turning into a bad boy.

"All right, damn bean sprout; I get it. You can be a bad boy. Just… stop; you're pissing me off."

Allen let an amused sigh breeze through his lips as his cocky grin grew. "Ehh…? Why should I? I rather like being this way. I'd rather have a girl on my lap than sit on yours, Yuu," he drawled.

A vein popped in Kanda's forehead as something throbbed in his chest. The damn bean sprout had better be joking.

"Che," he managed to scoff, feigning indifference. "Something like this doesn't suit bean sprouts—not even stupid ones like you."

Kanda could practically hear the triumphant grin crackling on Allen's face. "So you'd rather have a nice little Allen? Oh, that's kind of sad; I don't like men, and I'd rather not be that nice anymore."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Kanda snapped. "You're a freakin' _gay guy_! You've had a fucking crush on me since you were in sixth grade!"

A relaxed sigh slipped from Allen's lips. "Ahh, yes, but you forget, Yuu, that was four years ago. I was young and stupid. And besides, you're such an asshole; not to mention violent and rude. I'd rather deal with women. They're much gentler."

Fingers pressed against his temples as Kanda turned slightly. "God damn it, bean sprout, you sound like your asshole of an adopted father," he hissed. "Come back to your God-damn senses!"

Allen leaned back into his seat and rested his cheek against his fist. "Make me," he retorted smugly.

"Fine then," Kanda snapped again.

Allen's face fell slightly as his boyfriend grabbed his white hair and crashed their lips together for a kiss. Kanda immediately employed dominancy, though Allen put up a good fight. At length, the white-haired teen broke away, gasping for air. He scowled at Kanda.

"What the hell was that fo—"

A fist sharply connected with Allen's stomach, pushing him into the back of the chair. Kanda withdrew his fist and glared at his boyfriend.

The bell rang.

"If that's the way you want to do it," Kanda snarled as the other boy coughed for air, "then go ahead. Be a fucking bastard. I'm not going to stick around and watch you be an asshole, as amusing as it would be."

Without another word, Kanda left, his angry aura cutting through the hordes of teens clamoring into the classroom.

Allen leaned back with a weak smile on his face. "I guess I overdid it a bit, huh?" he asked the girl "making out" with earlier as she sat down next to him.

Lenalee grinned, her slutty clothes and makeup from earlier gone. "Well, he did seem a bit too angry. How far did you go?"

"Let's see… After you left, I pretended to be straight and told him that I'd rather be kissing girls over him… denied that I was gay… and was basically a big asshole," he said rather cheerfully. "I think I did a good job."

"Sounds like it," she giggled. "When you called me and asked me to help you with it yesterday, I wasn't sure if it'd turn out this way, but hey. We did pretty well," she chirped happily.

"Yeah… But how did you change so fast? It must have taken you a while to run to a girl's bathroom, change, put on makeup, and run back here to pretend to make out with me."

His best friend grinned. "Lavi tagged along with him. I told him to distract Kanda as long as possible. And besides, I'm not the star of the track team for nothing."

She sighed wistfully as the paisley-tie teacher walked in, stuttered at Allen, and bolted out the door again. "So how long do you think it'll take for him to arrive at your apartment with a threat to rape you?"

Allen gave a weary sigh. "He'll break in tonight at midnight," he grumbled, burying his face in his arms.

"With my performance, I won't be able to walk tomorrow."

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This is a one-shot mourning the loss of yet another great Yullen writer.

I'm sure most of you have seen Abreaction somewhere. She's the author of Decadent and Chu~ Kissy Lovesprout!, two of my favorite stories here on FanFiction. She—along with other favorite KISProductions—have suddenly encountered "shit" that have rendered them unable to write. I missed the deadline for the disconnection of Abreaction's internet, though, so she won't be able to read this fanfiction before her computer is whisked away. (GAAAH. Why'd I have to go out and play tennis the day she gets disconnected?!)

Please, you guys, go read Abreaction's work. Review it. Favorite it. Adore her while she's gone, because she has to ace several exams just to get her _computer_ back. Imagine how long it'll be until she gets her internet…

Abreaction, we're all going to miss you. FanFiction is losing another great writer, and we'll all remember you. (Gosh, why does it sound like she's dying…?)


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